| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2009|07:19 pm] |
Sometimes I can just tell who my best friends are by their reactions to things.
me: Today was my first solid poo since the 2nd, dude
I'm excited
c1flores.cf: Geez your butt hole must be chaped
me: HAHAHA |
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| old news |
[Nov. 20th, 2009|12:52 pm] |
I think The Ecstasy of Gold is my new favorite song.
So fucking cool. Anyone else got something like it? |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 18th, 2009|12:18 pm] |
This is the most accurate representation of what I think it feels like to be someone's girlfriend.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 7th, 2009|03:59 pm] |
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I'm glad I'm female, because otherwise I could never justify my vast collection of toys and plushies or the fact that I totally rock all pokemon events. If I were a man I'd be a gigantic faggot. |
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| Pussies are the bane of my existence. |
[Oct. 31st, 2009|02:08 pm] |
Stuffed expired pets. I can't help it, but I love them. While the companionship and need to clean the litter box has faded... The family cat doesn't have to stop being soft and lovable. I love toys. I've always enjoyed stuffed animals. Its not like it's cruel, either.
I mean.... It's no creepier than draining all of grandmas blood and replacing it with formaldehyde, right? What about the part where they bag the organs? Or drain postmortem wood in dead dudes? "She looks like she's sleeping! I love you, grandma."
People are such naysayers. I told a guy I thought taxidermy would be cool. The knee-jerk reaction is always "ewwwww you wouldn't like that omg harsh chemicals and dead animals"
If I said I wanted to be a nurse, no one would tell me I don't wanna do it. I guess getting a dead baby out of the cooler and warming it up for Mommy to hold is some how more socially acceptable. Being violently pissed on by a cracked out pregbeast isn't a harsh chemical like those you encounter when you so ill-mindfully tend to your dead feline.
I think dog grooming is just as gross as taxidermy, honestly. Piss, shit, puke, ear infections, rotting eye sockets, urine burns, caked on shit consuming the sphincter flesh, tumors, diseases. No, I'm not fucking kidding.
I bet if I told your average idiot I wanted to be a dog groomer... They would say "Oh how cute! You get to play with the puppies all day!"
If you naysay, you're a blubbering pussy who can't think. You're probably afraid the guy in your cubical last shift coughed on your fucking keyboard. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 30th, 2009|02:01 pm] |
People who disappear of their own volition endlessly fascinate me.
I've always heard of run-aways and elopers, but what really captivates me is an individual who just up and starts a new life somewhere else. Can't say I know anyone whose done this, if we're not counting those who have committed suicide. |
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| Too many shortcuts. |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|04:43 pm] |
Why do people always shirk personal responsibility by justifying it through wild excuses tailored around some kind of lame emotional baggage?
Why do these people, who are in the wrong, try to make people feel bad for them, rather than feeling bad about what they've done? I've encountered it too much and chalk up a lot of my seclusion to it. I can say with great confidence that these are the only type of people I have any kind of argument with.
It does not matter whether or not you approach these types of people with positive or negative stimulus, the result will be the same because all in all they only care about themselves and their puny objectives.
I once approached a man with a story in mind to tell him. Never once have I been discouraged from doing so. Suddenly, as if the world had shifted over night the stories I told him were suddenly inane, and I was a bad person for telling my friends these stories as well. I lolled, because I already knew he was one of them. Then, as if a script was being wonderfully acted... came the insipid excuses meant to garner my pity so I may pardon his assholism. The thing is, I never back down in these situations.
I told him his behavior was completely unacceptable and that he's making a sick joke out of everyone around him. OF COURSE my words did nothing. I was a bitch for not being considerate of his circumstances, after all.
I do not care that your dog has died, I do not care if your girlfriend has MS, I don't care if you've been abused as a child, I do not care about any of the excuses. Nothing justifies blatantly being an asshole for your own sick pleasure. If you exploit people then you retroactively deserve being raped repeatedly by step-daddy or not being loved by drinky Mommy.
These kinds of people trivialize all the tragedies in the world. The poor GF with MS is being used as emotional fodder. Never once do people who use excuses like this actually care about their convenient and pitiful subjects.
I see it clearly. Every one of these excuses translates to me as "I have no coping skills, please ignore every insignificant thing I say"
These people don't need you to continue the conversation. It didn't matter who you were, because they only care about themselves.
These people should be ignored by everyone. You're never the bad guy, never feel that way no matter how much they want you to believe that you are. |
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| It's these strange times of night while waiting for the sun to rise. |
[Sep. 6th, 2009|04:51 am] |
It's been so long since I've stood on the hill and watched the sun rise. Right now, it's my only desire. Nearing 5 in the morning... I'm certain to take position before long.
I don't know how to describe this, but there are these times in which my chest just aches with these positive feelings. I'm in love, but with nothing or anyone in particular. It only happens when I'm alone, usually. All of my senses just feel pleasant. The way the air smells and the way music smells. It's bliss, simply put.
I say a perfect song which describes this feeling is probably Waltz Soumi. I love sunsets in particular to this song, however. It's a bittersweet and overwhelmingly beautiful reminder of everything I enjoy in this incomprehensibly vast world.
I can never get over just how much in awe I am of my surroundings. I can't seem to tire of looking at the sky and it's timeless activities. Change without change.
Older graveyards are great places to eat ice cream, mesas are meant to be crawled, and always absorb what you observe.
Yes. I know what I am talking about! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 14th, 2009|01:14 pm] |
Rain Rain Rain. I do enjoy this rain. Forget the mesa on days like this, but somehow I don't even feel the loss, because man, Mariposa floods and rules ass when it rains. I've been watching floods move through this park for as long as I can remember.
This is a large park, set in a basin with three pisspoor ponds, various fields, and a playground. Around the entire park runs a natural arroyo connected to a concrete one which leads closer to my home. The whole thing is riddled with bike paths that lead all sorts of places. Seems I survived unsupervised while I played in these ditches and flooded parks.
I used to play with my school friends in the flooded muddy ditches all the time. There were so many tadpoles back then. Flooded fields are also fun for the first day or two, after that then they start to smell pretty awful.
I remember one year.... I'm going to guess it was 1999, I'm almost certain. That year had more rain than any summer I have encountered here. The park was consistently flooded. The sand in the play areas was a huge puddle, the ponds had overflown and the fields were covered in shallow water. The parking lot was also flooded with waters that came up to my waist when I was 11.
I usually went to the public pool, but not those times. I could just get dirty and wet at Mariposa! I remember that one section of a flooded field basically made it like a huge Slip n Slide. My friend and I had one of those foam pool toy footballs and we'd load it up and throw it at each other while rushing and diving to catch it. I used to come home on my bike soaking wet, muddy, and covered in grass and grass stains. This was such a chronic thing that I don't believe I took my shoes off in the house for a long time.
Damn did 1999 kick ass. |
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| Obama. From the war on terror to the war on flavor. |
[Jul. 13th, 2009|12:40 pm] |
I believe that even if you do not smoke you should still feel rage. We've heard of our many wars.
War on Drugs, War on terror, but... wat. War on Flavor? I thought I was being paranoid and over reacting when I heard of the potential of all flavored tobacco products being banned. I didn't wanna start whining like a hippie about something I potentially don't understand the actual meaning of, much like what everyone cried about when Bush was in office.
Guys. We as Americans are only allowed to smoke menthol or regular. This includes cigarettes and cigars. We as adults are not allowed to have flavors because we're not children. Only children can have flavors and if we flavor our tobacco then that MUST MEAN that it's marketed to children.
If you don't smoke, then regard it this way. It's a slippery slope. What about flavored alcohols? The first attack of this kind was actually on alcohol. Caffeinated beer is illegal because it's appealing to children as well. My My, dearest government. I didn't know Caffeine was a childrens' drug. God dammit.
I'm scared and confused. I smoke hookah AT LEAST once a week. What will this mean for shisha? I rather enjoyed flavored blunts. I rather enjoyed flavorful joints. I enjoyed Primetimes and I enjoyed Vendettas. I enjoyed the occasional clove. No more. This era is now dead.
I am pissed. I don't like control of any sort. Tell us not to smoke near other people, fine. I can handle that. I'll just do it at home, but don't tell me what I can and can't smoke in my house. Don't tell me that the flavors make a legal drug less legal.
Americans are simply being domesticated. This is the first time I will ever cry fascist and it will hopefully be the last. Those in power will continue to push their schedules and they motivate the retarded masses with insipid reasons behind it all. Emotional manipulation for a personal bias. Do you really like being told what to do just because someone else is a dripping vagina? You know there isn't even any real cognitive power behind these decisions. It's really as simple as someone saying "Because it's bad"
I understand I'm not going to be pulled over if a cop smells something tasty coming out of my car, but really.... Flavored whatevers are kind of hard to make on your own. I mean. I can grow pot and it'll be pot with the proper care, but I can't grow a Djarum Black plant. I can do my best to emulate a clove, but it'll never be the same.
And in the great scheme of things what will this change? What greater good is there from this? Why don't they focus on real drugs like PCP or try to deal with real crimes instead of trying to make every American a criminal? I guess you can fill your police quotas if everyone is breaking the law.
It's real too. I was informed that Birdland will be removing it's stock of bluntwraps in the near future. It's just so uncool. I frown so much.
Oh, by the way... For all those little 1984 fanatics who cried wolf on President Bush. The Patriot Act is still there. Yay Obama!
EDIT: If you take away my shisha then I'm not going to let my three hookahs go to waste. I'm going to run hash through them instead. Ooops! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|03:37 pm] |
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I'll insert this dexdrive in to my serial port and run dexter... Ah.. Harder! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 18th, 2009|06:09 pm] |
I swear to god when I get old and I can't comprehend new video games anymore, I assure you that Valkyrie Profile is one of those games that I'll play over and over again.
That is all.
Man this game is the best. I think it's beaten Wild ARMs for me.
EDIT: This game's OST has been known to induce orgasm. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 17th, 2009|12:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  horny | ] |
Oh man. This album rules. Time travel has always fascinated me and this is one of the most interesting takes on it that I've ever had the pleasure to experience. The lyrics are a damned good example of a realistic reaction to a time traveling experience to the future! It's been a huge inspiration to all my current efforts. It's so uplifting. I needed to hear it.
Yours Truly 2095 has to be my favorite song right now. It reminds me a lot of Project122, although she's not a robot. "I met a girl a lot like you. She does the things you do, but she is an IBM"
These are my first steps in to progressive rock and so far I'm enchanted. I found out that Motoi Sakuraba had a progressive rock band. I've been lax on finding all the info on that one, but I'm totally interested.
Anyone around have a progressive rock band to recommend?
Anywho.
Nickel is such a strange thing to be allergic to! I've been allergic to it for years, but it's such a frustrating allergy. Makes me thankful that they make things like glasses and piercings hypoallergenic. I did a ghetto fix on my bra with safety pins once and jesus.... The rash I had until I eventually replaced that bra.
Yesterday I managed to acquire a ram figurine from the Toys R Us that is anatomically correct, but the thing is that the balls are absolutely enormous! Like they're so big I thought it was a figure of a sheep heavy with milk, no no, just testicles. I had to have it. I'm so immature I giggled forever. I need to stay away from Toys R Us or I'll come home with more toys that have huge penises. They have unicorn figures with wieners as well as giraffes. In my ceramics class back in high school I used to make all my sculptures anatomically correct because I could get away with it, and due to the furry fandom and my own art exploits I'm well acquainted with the anatomy of animal genitalia. Joy of Joys! Don't get the wrong idea though. I'm weird enough without being attracted to animals.
My greatest aspiration is to have a robot girlfriend. I will build her myself. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 16th, 2009|02:56 pm] |
So what's up, faggots? <3 Delicious success on my part still yet. I'm getting everything together that I should have a long time ago and not everything seems so impossible anymore. So instead of seeing everything in that long tunnel of someday... It's a lot more about what I can do today to make it happen all that much sooner.
Conceivable dates! Lists n such. I've been organizing myself to pull out of this cycle of not knowing what the fuck to do. I have a bad habit of not doing anything if I don't know how. I'm really nervous about losing all of my free time, but I know in the long run it'll have to make me happier. When I'll be able to hold something of my own in my hands. When I'll be able to rise above this place and the women who fester in it.
I've lived in constant filth for so many years that I... just didn't know the difference. There's a sickness that just permeates in the area and I really can't subject myself to it anymore. It's not my responsibility to fix it, only to rise above it. Those that live here and support me also have this ability. So many barriers all fabricated by the mind... My own and my family. You wouldn't believe the shit I've been afraid of for so long.
I don't have many years to my name so far. I should probably do what I need to now before the years cement a harder case of paranoia on me. I'm already a bit neurotic and unable to accept certain things unless I really try. I'm also emotionally inept. It's hard...but that's ok. I'm glad I'm able to realize any of this at all. I'm so very thankful for my ability to recognize such a sickness and the motivation to go on.
My mother is a very mentally ill person and she's cultivated a very mentally ill family to go with it. My family has always excluded me because I'm weird to them, at first it was the age gaps which kept them from ever really communicating with me. I think this was a blessing in disguise.
I was left alone a lot. My family never made me do homework, they made me go to school just so they wouldn't go to jail. If I was interested in something which required effort on their part then I was discouraged from going for it. I was always told that I couldn't do it or that I wasn't responsible enough. This was things like sports or after school programs. So instead I bummed around with my friends. The only person in the family who paid attention to me was my older sister, Emily. Oh my god did I wish she never did.
I'm the baby in the family of two siblings, my mom, and dad. Sissy is 16 years or so older while Emily is only 5 years older than me. When I say Emily paid attention to me... I don't mean she was caring. Since I was the baby of the family she automatically blamed me for her neglect. As long as I can remember she used to always say awful things to me. She used to tell me that the day I came home from the hospital is the day Mom's life ended. Shit like that all the time.
The neglect on my part really came when I was 10-11. Dad cheated on mom and Mom went completely insane. There wasn't a day where she wasn't completely drunk. Some days the house was completely destroyed, others she just walked around muttering to herself. Sometimes she'd try to clean something, but end up throwing everything everywhere while screaming at us that it's our fault that Dad doesn't love her.
She was always partially or completely naked, even on her period. So she'd trail period blood everywhere. One morning I thought she had died, because I found her sprawled out on the bathroom floor and unconscious. Nope... She just passed out on the toilet and fell off. I still remember the blood and shit on her ass.
Dad would go in to violent rages, drunk or not, if he was ever confronted on anything. Emily liked to attack him with harsh words about how he neglects her... So of course he'd beat the shit out of her. Mom would scream at him so they'd beat each other up. I was always a daddy's girl, so he never hurt me, but I realize had I said something he could have just as easily hurt me.
The way it worked was that if Sissy was around then Dad wouldn't destroy anything or hurt anyone. I remember a time in which he waited until Sissy was asleep so he could jump up on the kitchen table and rip the ceiling fan blades off and throw them around. He would break anything in his path just to make us shut up or until Sissy came out to put him in his place. She could barely take a shower without him seizing an opportunity to go apeshit. I remember the nights I couldn't sleep because Mom and Dad would fight in there room. The shrieks I'd hear, the pleas for help and for him to stop hurting her. I remember once I rushed in there and found him raping her. I of course had to go running to Sissy about it. I always knew I was just an observer and that nothing I did could stop it. Nothing I did mattered so I was just left to my internet. Ah... The internet raised me through all of this.
The violence eventually ceased, but it was really too late to do anything about who I am. Mom tried to lecture me about what an awful person I am when I was 16 because I hate kids. Mom tried to refuse to register me for school once I turned 17 because "I wasn't going to do anything anyway." She tried to make up for all the years of neglect by attacking me for everything I do or believe in... regardless of whether or not I told her anything. I was a bad person. I was awful, but when I disappeared for no more than a day without telling her where I was going she called the cops on me. Eventually I dropped out and just... sat here. I've sat here since then hiding in my room, eating and sleeping in shifts just to avoid them. Mom is still very sick. She steals my used toothbrushes and uses them. She'll use sissy's toothbrush as well. She also wears sissy's bloodstained panties.
Goddamnit. I can't get this all out clear. My only point is... If you try to improve something, mom will destroy it. So my house is completely disgusting. One example of mom's destructive behavior is this. Just apply this to any situation and you've got my Mom.
So one summer James, Dad, and myself all decided I want a lawn. Dad had gotten some grass from a neighbor because they were re-doing their yard and he laid it out in the backyard and filled in gaps with seed. Oh... The lawn was looking great. James and I would mow it now and then after it started to really look good and strong enough to take it. The lawn, however, had weeds in it. Mom would do nothing but complain about the weeds. She would yell at me, and at Dad about the weeds and that we better do something about it. I told her that we needed to mow the lawn one more time so it would strong enough to handle some weed n feed. You can't go throwing harsh chemicals on to a young lawn. So.. Sissy and Mom would complain that we're just making excuses because we're lazy. Then one morning I woke up and mom had hired mexicans to clear it all away.
Here was my lawn that Dad was so proud of. These were the only pictures I had, lol.
Before 1
Before 2
Before 3
And here is what I woke up to.
After Destruction
After Destruction 2
And this kind of shit is why I hate my mom. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 28th, 2009|03:39 pm] |
I got my driver's license today! It only took forever, but I did it. My world has purpose these days... I'm making goals and seeing them through. I fretted alll day that I was going to fail, but I went on.
Now I have something to show for it. The next steps will be easier to take. Just.... complete things. Just do it. This is what I've been telling myself. Stop worrying and stop being so anxious all the time.
Just draw, Just complete your games, Just get a job, just something. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 26th, 2009|12:23 pm] |
So all is back to normal. All that threatened my progress in the Project122 storyline has been eliminated.
I've made monumental progress as far as that goes. Added a new character and dreamed up some awesome scenarios. I've been running Project122's newer mindset through scenario after scenario. I find it a lot more natural than the older one. I don't draw blanks on what exactly what she'd do or say nearly as much anymore, if at all.
My story has suffered quite a few retcons, but that's the price of moving forward, though sometimes I need a friendly reminder of what's a good concept or not.
It's all having a kind of strange affect on me, however, once I delved further in to this obsession of mine.
I become overly fascinated with similar characters as Project122. I can't stop watching their body language. It just makes my longing for Project122 that much worse. It's a constant and dull ache, but luckily it's something I can feed.
Lenneth from Valkyrie Profile fascinated me before, but it damn near crystallized when that psp remake came out. Those cut scenes are... amazing. Her body language gets the proper emotional response from me and it's mildly frightening. I also grew a fascination for Sir Integra from Hellsing, as watching her also felt familiar.
I always wish I could actually observe everything about Project122 herself. Mannerisms, body language, the way she perceives and then expresses within her own emotional range.
It's kind of scary to say I'm wholly in love with that woman, as she simply captivates every aspect of my personal interest. Oh well. Another loony for the bin, however, I'm confident that I'll be able to produce something which could justify these years of agonizing over her every detail.
I just hope I can do it. |
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| You might hurt yourself! Don't go outside! |
[May. 15th, 2009|12:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  groggy | ] |
You know what I think? I think the world is cluttered with too much Serious Business.
It makes me frown that so much is banned and so many people overreact to so much. I don't know about other countries, that's not my concern, but America is very hypersensitive.
It's like hanging out with a full grown adult who won't go out to eat when you invite him because he's scared there won't be anything he likes on the menu. It's just... awkward. So many people are maladjusted weirdos who take themselves way too seriously to have any fun whatsoever. It's like everyone has aspergers or something.
What happened to the good old days without all this rampant paranoia? If baby doesn't quite get what he wants then you live and learn and move on. Be happy you're outside smelling the air and with common company. Nothing is the end of the world.
Liability paranoia is by far one of the most enraging concepts. Argh. So much is lost on today and it's stiflingly boring. You can't talk to people without them being scary, or weird for talking to you.
I miss my childhood =( Even with all it's rocky parts, it was much better than today. Mom didn't get arrested for letting me play outside from dusk until dawn. She would today. A cop would have seen me alone at the park and dragged me away so fast.
Having sex with women is a liability, they'll sooner call rape on you than tell you that they love you.
If I ever had a lobotomy and had a desire for children I still wouldn't have them, because I can only imagine how much the system would come down on me. Telling my children anything would be a liability for fear they repeat what a period is at school.
The legal systems are over compensating to blanket all of us, not just to apply when someone does something bad.
I was angry when I learned they may be building a park near this hill with a great view of the city. It's a common thing for me to go to this hill, stand on the sidewalk and just look at the city. If a park was built it would then be illegal for me to enjoy the view passed 10:00PM to 6:00AM. Lucky for me, the plans for this park were aborted.
Just have fun, guys. It's not hard... But you can't tell this to the ultra sensitive PTSA moms. Shhh... |
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| I was not a clever man, but hopefully this can help anyone who finds this... |
[Mar. 11th, 2009|05:48 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | relieved | ] |
Oh good lord. So everyone remembers my psycho abusive ex boyfriend James, right?
I just heard that he's managed to get a new female and I feel horrible for her. The things that poor girl will endure will be one of the worst times of her life if she's not already been abused.
James Davis has absolutely no concept of reality, loyalty, or how to be kind or respectful to a single person, including himself.
( Cut for those squeamish about abuse and because it's a wall of text. )
So yeah. I am proud that a year later I've come from pulling my hair and being a finger twitch away from suicide to actually caring for myself, my health, my hobbies and the world around me. I'm a survivor and I'm damned thankful. I love everyone who had the patience to give me a space to crawl to in my most pathetic hours and to those who continue to be by my side.
Timmy, Kaila, Chubbo, and Casey all saved my life. Tim and Chubbo often sat through and comforted me through long, disjointed and crazy desperate rants. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 1st, 2009|07:48 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | horny | ] |
I'm not a stalker! I'm just observant. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 21st, 2008|03:05 pm] |
Hey hey! Been turning in applications. I made a facebook as well. Lol Facebook
Been mostly playin' WoW. Not much to report other than I can't wait to move out on my own. Coooooommmmee on JOBS!
Oh. And this Rejum adores a green dragon.
Meanwhile. Enjoy this.
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project122's journal
